A Perfectly Cromulent Girl

So the doctor finally called - my father does have prostate cancer. It's in the early stages and it's treatable, but still... cancer. The fact that my parents are so freaking calm about it is kind of adding to my internal meltdown about the whole thing. I can kind of feel my brain shutting down and going into denial mode already. Like if I don't think about it, it's not real. But it is. I didn't realise just how much I truly believed the tests would be negative until my father casually mentioned they were positive. Stuff like this just doesn't happen in my family; no-one in my family has ever gotten cancer. So yeah, my world's been kind of rocked right now. Part of me wants to freak out and cry, but I also feel like I can't because no-one else is. Sometimes having the world's most unflappable parents is really quite annoying.

So, today I got a breast ultrasound just to confirm that the lump on my breast really is just a surface cyst, and nothing to worry about unless it starts getting bigger. And it is - so no drama for once, right? WRONG.

During the ultrasound, they discovered another freaking lump on the other side of the same breast, which I would never have even suspected was there, because it's not in the skin tissue, like the other one, so you can't feel it. Instead, it's deep down in the actual breast tissue, which increases the chances of it being something serious. Fucking hell.

Went to my doctor after the ultrasound, and she said it's probably just another cyst because it's so tiny, but she's going to talk to the doctor at the ultrasound place to find out if the lump is big enough to be tested - ie. big enough to have a huge motherfucking needle shoved in it and fluid drawn out. Have I mentioned I have a HUGE fucking needle phobia? I started to have the beginnings of a panic attack as soon as she mentioned the word 'needle'. I could hardly breathe, and it took every ounce of my willpower not to burst into tears. Wonderful - I have to deal with this anxiety on top of the fact that said panic-inducing procedure may reveal horrible news that I don't even want to contemplate right now. I'm just praying they'll decide the lump is too small to be bothered with.

This sucks.