Oz Fic - "Toby's Soliloquy"
Feb. 13th, 2007 11:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pride_of_erinThis is a fic that I actually wrote most of, only a few hours after I found out ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
magickslash had died. I don't know why I wrote it - I suppose just thinking about death led me to thinking about the only death Cherie and I had ever shared mourning, ie. Keller's death. It just popped into my brain, and I wrote it before it disappeared.
I wasn't going to post it, because I thought it was sort of morbid, but now I figure that if Cherie was still around, she'd be telling me to post it anyway. I'm sure she'd also be picking it to pieces and sending me back a ton of red font detailing just how much I should fix before she'd stop saying, "Erin! I know you can do better than this!" *g*
But she's not here, and so I instead present the unbeta'd version.
Fandom: Oz
Pairing: B/K
Rated: G
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, yada, yada.
In loving memory of Cherie.
Toby’s Soliloquy
Toby stood in front of the small, simple gray stone that marked the place where Chris Keller had lain for four years. The warm, spring sun beat down on his shoulders, and the smell of fresh-cut grass filled his nose. Getting to this place had taken only an hour by car, but for Toby, it felt like the end of a very, very, long journey. He wiped his clammy palms against his jeans, took a nervous breath and exhaled loudly.
“So – here I am. Uh, you’re probably thinking, ‘well, where the fuck you been?”
Toby gave a small, shaky laugh, and continued uncertainly, “You know something funny? I didn’t – you know, I didn’t even know where you were buried? And it never even, occurred to me to ask. I just… you were gone and that was it. I didn’t want to think about you anymore.”
He bit his lip, and tried to get his thoughts in order. The gray stone gave no reaction to his words, but Toby felt as intimidated by its presence, as he had by the man it memorialized.
“I had to track down your fucking ex-wives just to find out where you were. Boy, they sure loved you, huh? God, this feels so fucking weird – I’m standing here talking to a headstone. But, ah, I think you would’ve liked this place. Bonnie picked it out – lots of trees, really green grass, you’re out in the sunshine, it’s nice and quiet – yeah, you would’ve liked it.”
He felt ridiculous. The gray stone mocked him.
“I’m rambling on as usual, aren’t I? I should probably just say what I came here to say. So here goes…… Chris, I forgive you. And I know it doesn’t sound like much, and I guess it doesn’t mean that much after all this time, and when you’re not even here to hear it, but… I do, I forgive you. And I think it does mean something, because… this isn’t bullshit forgiveness. This isn’t like all those fucking times, when Toby has a breakdown, and Toby freaks out, and Toby needs to forgive himself, and Toby tries to make himself feel better by acting like the goddamn martyr, and deigning to fucking forgive you. This isn’t even about me. For once, right?” He gave a tiny, self-deprecating smile.
“I haven’t been obsessing over you. I haven’t been depressed. You know what I’ve been doing lately? Spending time with my children – talking to them, really talking; they’re so grown-up now, Chris. They’re their own little people now, and I didn’t have a fucking hand in any of it, but they’re wonderful. They’re so much stronger, so much… better, than I ever was. I’m so fucking proud of them. So, I’ve been busy being their dad. And working my ass off, trying to make a real contribution at my job; and hanging out with my friends a lot – yeah, I have friends now, can you believe that? And ones who I actually like, and actually care about, and don’t feel like I’m just faking it – going through the motions – with. Who’d a thought it, huh?”
Certainly not Chris. Certainly not anybody who’d known him in Oz or before it. A million free hours wasted in booze and self-sorrow. A million prison hours wasted in too much reflection and self-pity.
He didn’t waste the hours anymore.
“Anyway, my point is that… I’m not here saying that I forgive you in order to give myself peace of mind. I already had that. After you died… I was a mess… for about a year. And then I resolved never to think of you. I just concentrated on surviving and keeping myself occupied until I got parole again. And then I got out and I was with my kids, and I still didn’t think of you. You were always in my heart…but hardly ever in my head.” He stopped and sighed, “And now, I sound like an asshole again. But last week, I looked at the calendar, and I realized that this anniversary was coming up. And I thought about you. I really, really thought about you. For the first time… in a long time. And I was surprised to discover… that I wasn’t angry anymore. In fact – I think I forgave you a long time ago. I just never acknowledged it.”
“So, my being here today isn’t for my benefit – I just want to give you peace of mind. And I really, really fucking wish that you were still alive so I could say it to your face, but you’re not and this is the best I can do. I hope to God, that wherever you are right now, you’re happy. I hope you found the peace of mind that you could never find here.”
The tears that had been threatening all day finally welled up in Toby’s eyes, as he thought about missed chances, and roads not taken, and a man who, at one time or another had meant the world to him. A man who, for all his faults, had been dealt a shitty hand in life, long before Oz had got him.
“God – you were so fucked up, Chris.”
Toby let the tears fall, gathering the courage to acknowledge the things he’d never dared admit to while Chris was alive.
“You were, and I knew that, and I should’ve done something, I should’ve helped you. I know that you did terrible things, and maybe your life as it was was your punishment, but… fuck, Chris. As a human being you were so broken. And I was so bad for you – I didn’t do anything but drag you into my shit, and pile it all on top of you, and blame everything on you. And I’m sorry for that. Maybe… if things had been different. If I’d got you some help; if I hadn’t turned my back on you; if you’d seen a shrink who wasn’t Sister Pete; if I’d gotten you out of that fucking place all together. Maybe if we’d run away together, to a place like this, somewhere quiet, and free of stress and angst and bullshit - maybe we would’ve been happy.”
And there he went again – wishing on a star. Hadn’t he learned his lesson by now?
“Or maybe not – maybe we would’ve just ended up trying to kill each other anyway. We’ll never know.”
Toby gave a dark chuckle, and the gray stone seemed to laugh with him. He shook his head, not wanting to dwell on it, and knelt down in front of the stone. The soft grass of the grave cushioned his knees, and the words carved upon it swam in front his eyes as more tears fell. He took a determined breath, and continued in as firm a voice as he could manage.
“I’m not sorry I met you. I should be, I guess. But… when you died? We weren’t even close to being friends. And all those years we were together… we were apart far more often than we were ‘together’. So maybe I shouldn’t care that much. Maybe, you were just a guy, who I knew, and who I was happy with for a brief time, and that’s it. But you’re not. You loved me. People come in and out of our lives, and even if they’re not there for very long, they… they leave a mark. They leave memories, and lessons they taught you, and… love. Even if it was just for the briefest instant that you felt love from them – felt them care about you - it doesn’t go away. That’s one thing you taught me, Chris. Love never dies.”
“And, fuck. You really, really loved me. No-one will ever love me the way you did. Your love was a blessing and a curse - but I wouldn’t give it up. I will never… experience anything that fucking… intense ever again. And that’s probably a good thing, because it was too much for both of us. It consumed us from the inside out. But I’m glad I got to feel it. Even with the agony that came with it. Because it’s not every day that things like that happen.”
Toby wiped his eyes, and leaned forward to press his forehead against the words, ‘Christopher Keller’. The warm, smooth stone felt almost soothing against his skin, and he could nearly imagine it was the touch of Chris’s hands on him once again. Then he smiled sadly at his own weird ideas, knowing that Keller would have laughed at him.
“Anyway, I should go. Because I have spent far longer talking to a grave than any man should. And I’m done. You know now, that I forgive you. You know I’m not angry with you. You know I still feel your love.” He brought his hand up to the stone, and rubbed along its smooth surface, wanting Chris to feel it. “You know I’m even kinda, pretty happy in this life you set me free to have. And I hope… that we meet again someday.”
He pressed a lingering kiss against that simple gray stone, and stood back up. The stone looked somehow more peaceful to him now, although Toby knew that was probably all in his mind.
“I don’t think I’ll be coming back here again, so I’ll just say… that I love you, Chris Keller. I love you. So God be with you, my friend.”
Toby took a deep breath, steeled himself, and turned away from Chris’s grave. As he walked away, he looked back only once.
“I’ll see ya.”
When?
Back here. Or in heaven.
You really think we’re going to get into heaven?
Ah, you and me together – God doesn’t have the balls to keep us out.
The End
magickslash had died. I don't know why I wrote it - I suppose just thinking about death led me to thinking about the only death Cherie and I had ever shared mourning, ie. Keller's death. It just popped into my brain, and I wrote it before it disappeared. I wasn't going to post it, because I thought it was sort of morbid, but now I figure that if Cherie was still around, she'd be telling me to post it anyway. I'm sure she'd also be picking it to pieces and sending me back a ton of red font detailing just how much I should fix before she'd stop saying, "Erin! I know you can do better than this!" *g*
But she's not here, and so I instead present the unbeta'd version.
Fandom: Oz
Pairing: B/K
Rated: G
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, yada, yada.
In loving memory of Cherie.
Toby’s Soliloquy
Toby stood in front of the small, simple gray stone that marked the place where Chris Keller had lain for four years. The warm, spring sun beat down on his shoulders, and the smell of fresh-cut grass filled his nose. Getting to this place had taken only an hour by car, but for Toby, it felt like the end of a very, very, long journey. He wiped his clammy palms against his jeans, took a nervous breath and exhaled loudly.
“So – here I am. Uh, you’re probably thinking, ‘well, where the fuck you been?”
Toby gave a small, shaky laugh, and continued uncertainly, “You know something funny? I didn’t – you know, I didn’t even know where you were buried? And it never even, occurred to me to ask. I just… you were gone and that was it. I didn’t want to think about you anymore.”
He bit his lip, and tried to get his thoughts in order. The gray stone gave no reaction to his words, but Toby felt as intimidated by its presence, as he had by the man it memorialized.
“I had to track down your fucking ex-wives just to find out where you were. Boy, they sure loved you, huh? God, this feels so fucking weird – I’m standing here talking to a headstone. But, ah, I think you would’ve liked this place. Bonnie picked it out – lots of trees, really green grass, you’re out in the sunshine, it’s nice and quiet – yeah, you would’ve liked it.”
He felt ridiculous. The gray stone mocked him.
“I’m rambling on as usual, aren’t I? I should probably just say what I came here to say. So here goes…… Chris, I forgive you. And I know it doesn’t sound like much, and I guess it doesn’t mean that much after all this time, and when you’re not even here to hear it, but… I do, I forgive you. And I think it does mean something, because… this isn’t bullshit forgiveness. This isn’t like all those fucking times, when Toby has a breakdown, and Toby freaks out, and Toby needs to forgive himself, and Toby tries to make himself feel better by acting like the goddamn martyr, and deigning to fucking forgive you. This isn’t even about me. For once, right?” He gave a tiny, self-deprecating smile.
“I haven’t been obsessing over you. I haven’t been depressed. You know what I’ve been doing lately? Spending time with my children – talking to them, really talking; they’re so grown-up now, Chris. They’re their own little people now, and I didn’t have a fucking hand in any of it, but they’re wonderful. They’re so much stronger, so much… better, than I ever was. I’m so fucking proud of them. So, I’ve been busy being their dad. And working my ass off, trying to make a real contribution at my job; and hanging out with my friends a lot – yeah, I have friends now, can you believe that? And ones who I actually like, and actually care about, and don’t feel like I’m just faking it – going through the motions – with. Who’d a thought it, huh?”
Certainly not Chris. Certainly not anybody who’d known him in Oz or before it. A million free hours wasted in booze and self-sorrow. A million prison hours wasted in too much reflection and self-pity.
He didn’t waste the hours anymore.
“Anyway, my point is that… I’m not here saying that I forgive you in order to give myself peace of mind. I already had that. After you died… I was a mess… for about a year. And then I resolved never to think of you. I just concentrated on surviving and keeping myself occupied until I got parole again. And then I got out and I was with my kids, and I still didn’t think of you. You were always in my heart…but hardly ever in my head.” He stopped and sighed, “And now, I sound like an asshole again. But last week, I looked at the calendar, and I realized that this anniversary was coming up. And I thought about you. I really, really thought about you. For the first time… in a long time. And I was surprised to discover… that I wasn’t angry anymore. In fact – I think I forgave you a long time ago. I just never acknowledged it.”
“So, my being here today isn’t for my benefit – I just want to give you peace of mind. And I really, really fucking wish that you were still alive so I could say it to your face, but you’re not and this is the best I can do. I hope to God, that wherever you are right now, you’re happy. I hope you found the peace of mind that you could never find here.”
The tears that had been threatening all day finally welled up in Toby’s eyes, as he thought about missed chances, and roads not taken, and a man who, at one time or another had meant the world to him. A man who, for all his faults, had been dealt a shitty hand in life, long before Oz had got him.
“God – you were so fucked up, Chris.”
Toby let the tears fall, gathering the courage to acknowledge the things he’d never dared admit to while Chris was alive.
“You were, and I knew that, and I should’ve done something, I should’ve helped you. I know that you did terrible things, and maybe your life as it was was your punishment, but… fuck, Chris. As a human being you were so broken. And I was so bad for you – I didn’t do anything but drag you into my shit, and pile it all on top of you, and blame everything on you. And I’m sorry for that. Maybe… if things had been different. If I’d got you some help; if I hadn’t turned my back on you; if you’d seen a shrink who wasn’t Sister Pete; if I’d gotten you out of that fucking place all together. Maybe if we’d run away together, to a place like this, somewhere quiet, and free of stress and angst and bullshit - maybe we would’ve been happy.”
And there he went again – wishing on a star. Hadn’t he learned his lesson by now?
“Or maybe not – maybe we would’ve just ended up trying to kill each other anyway. We’ll never know.”
Toby gave a dark chuckle, and the gray stone seemed to laugh with him. He shook his head, not wanting to dwell on it, and knelt down in front of the stone. The soft grass of the grave cushioned his knees, and the words carved upon it swam in front his eyes as more tears fell. He took a determined breath, and continued in as firm a voice as he could manage.
“I’m not sorry I met you. I should be, I guess. But… when you died? We weren’t even close to being friends. And all those years we were together… we were apart far more often than we were ‘together’. So maybe I shouldn’t care that much. Maybe, you were just a guy, who I knew, and who I was happy with for a brief time, and that’s it. But you’re not. You loved me. People come in and out of our lives, and even if they’re not there for very long, they… they leave a mark. They leave memories, and lessons they taught you, and… love. Even if it was just for the briefest instant that you felt love from them – felt them care about you - it doesn’t go away. That’s one thing you taught me, Chris. Love never dies.”
“And, fuck. You really, really loved me. No-one will ever love me the way you did. Your love was a blessing and a curse - but I wouldn’t give it up. I will never… experience anything that fucking… intense ever again. And that’s probably a good thing, because it was too much for both of us. It consumed us from the inside out. But I’m glad I got to feel it. Even with the agony that came with it. Because it’s not every day that things like that happen.”
Toby wiped his eyes, and leaned forward to press his forehead against the words, ‘Christopher Keller’. The warm, smooth stone felt almost soothing against his skin, and he could nearly imagine it was the touch of Chris’s hands on him once again. Then he smiled sadly at his own weird ideas, knowing that Keller would have laughed at him.
“Anyway, I should go. Because I have spent far longer talking to a grave than any man should. And I’m done. You know now, that I forgive you. You know I’m not angry with you. You know I still feel your love.” He brought his hand up to the stone, and rubbed along its smooth surface, wanting Chris to feel it. “You know I’m even kinda, pretty happy in this life you set me free to have. And I hope… that we meet again someday.”
He pressed a lingering kiss against that simple gray stone, and stood back up. The stone looked somehow more peaceful to him now, although Toby knew that was probably all in his mind.
“I don’t think I’ll be coming back here again, so I’ll just say… that I love you, Chris Keller. I love you. So God be with you, my friend.”
Toby took a deep breath, steeled himself, and turned away from Chris’s grave. As he walked away, he looked back only once.
“I’ll see ya.”
When?
Back here. Or in heaven.
You really think we’re going to get into heaven?
Ah, you and me together – God doesn’t have the balls to keep us out.
The End
